I keep waiting for stories on OPB about the rising level of depression and suicide not to rock me to my core. I keep waiting to hear stories of people taking their own life in downtown Portland, as one women did so tragically about two weeks ago when she threw herself off a parking garage, not to reduce me to tears. Or Carina's teachers out of the blue comment that Carina sometimes brings up her dad during circle time not to leave me searching for my words because they seem to get stuck somewhere in my chest. It isn't that I didn't have compassion before, I once witnessed a women fall to her death after she threw herself off a bridge over the max tracks. I will never forget that day, I will never forget what that women looked like as she fell. She wasn't fighting it, she had accepted her end and welcomed it. But I was driving at the time and nearly drove my car off the road due to the horror of the situation. Travis was in the car with me and we talked about it, it was clear that he was not as effected by it as I was. I knew the suffering ended for her that day as it did for Travis on December 4th. But the pain that will live on in all of us as we try to deal with his death will live on in me for the rest of my life. I grieve for all the families of people who lose loved ones in this way. Not a day goes by that I do not think of this terrible loss. I grieve in some of the most amazing moments in my life. Forever I fear Carina's milestones will be bittersweet. I am so proud to be her mom and to be a part of her success in life but there will always be this part inside me that thinks "if your dad could just see you know". I want to share that knowing glance with him of sheer pride in our daughter.
In the seven stages of grief I am in anger. Angry he did this to our daughter. Angry he did this to his mom who already lost one child. Angry that she didn't see it even though he was under her roof. Angry I didn't see it when I knew him better then anyone else knew him. Angry I didn't demand he keep the release with his therapists open so I could check on him. Why weren't any of us talking to each other. I swear I could have put this together if I would have talked to his brother Olin that Friday before. He was making plans he had no intention of keeping. Angry at Olin for not being alarmed that Travis was admiring his gun. And I am angry with Travis, I know how he rationalized this in head so it isn't that. I am angry that he left without his affairs in order, with a proper goodbye to his daughter, just something she could hold and know how much he loved her.
They say time heals all wounds and this too shall pass and it will get easier. But of all the loss I have felt I have never felt anything like this. He was my life for 14 years and my daughters father and I will grieve him for the rest of my life.
Well awhile back I set out to get Carina on the reading rainbow and chose the Bob books as our navigator. Her reward once she finished the first series of books was to get a pedicure. And she finally got through it, I even made flash cards to make sure that she hadn't just memorized the stories.
