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Wrapped in Blue Birth Announcement

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The bear family

I am sugarbear

Matt is Mattybear

Logan is Loganberry

Carina is little sugar bear.

With the arrival of Logan expected any day I keep thinking this blog is in need of a new name, I have not yet settled on one yet but I am sensing a bear tie in somewhere.

I have wanted two children since I realized I wanted children at all. Since I am baby number 3 you think I would want one more. And I suppose there is still that possibility, Mattybear wants 3, so as my very wise friend pointed out, he will likely win. It's not that I wouldn't want a 3rd but being 9 months pregnant is NOT the time to be making those decisions. I also knew I wanted a girl first and was so very happy to get the news at Carina's ultrasound that she was a girl. I was equally excited to find out Matt and I were having a boy. Because I got my one of each if we are in fact done. Also I long for the relationship between a mother and a son because "there isn't a boy in the world who wouldn't tear the world apart to save his mummy". I love my mom but I don't think you really appreciate your mom until you are a bit older. Carina has always been a daddy's girl and Matt is no exception. I am not saying she doesn't have a part of her heart that is carved out for her "original daddy" because she certainly does and will always. But I know she loves him for coming into her life and bringing happiness, warmth and another set of arms to run to in times of comfort.

I actually wonder how she is going to do with sharing me and her Mattydaddy. But she is really excited about becoming a big sister. She wants to hold him and help take care of him, not change diapers though.

Logan is coming into this family already well loved and with much anticipation. I look forward to watching the transformation that happens upon a man being handed his child for the first time when Matt is presented with his child. He has been a "step dad" to a friend's children who's daddy was off fighting a war and to children of his ex girlfriends who's daddies were less then stealer and he certainly has filled the daddy role in Carina's life. But there can be no comparison to being handed your own child fresh from the womb.

And because no blog entry would be complete without a picture:

My little Kindergartener

The last five years and 8 months have been leading up to this event. As a parent you worry did I read enough to her, does she know her abc's and 123’s well enough, should I have tried harder to teach her to tie her shoes. Really all your kid needs to enter Kindergarten is how to line up and listen to their teachers. But the ability to recognize their name certainly helps as does experience being away from you. As I looked across at all the kindergartners they, for the most part, looked like a confident bunch….the parents were the ones who approached this day with trepidation. Of course we were all the leg huggers who brought their children to school rather then just sending them on the bus today so I guess we are already doomed. But the kids were eager to be there, eager to make new friends and eager to learn.

I finished up clothes shoping for her a month ago, hoping she wasn’t going to have some serious growth spurt that would make all the clothes to small for her when it came to wearing them. I have had her school supplies piled up waiting to go to school since that time too. I really wanted her to get out of Learning Tree after she began getting terrorized by a little boy and his bratty older sister. I know she will flourish in school, she is a sponge for new information and loves learning.

So today there were Cheerios for my little cheerio. (Glee connection intended)

A backpack full of school supplies and a lunch.

This is the first of many first day’s of school photos.

Here we are walking into school together, this is were I first started to thought I might cry.

We all met in the cafeteria and awaited the principle and teacher greetings and directives.

We took her to her classroom, notice the teacher’s pet right in the front row, eager to please Mr. Reynolds.

She picked out her locker and Matt and I helped the other children who didn’t have their parents there. We also tried to introduce her to her classmates so she could begin the process of building her school friends. We had to leave all her friend’s from learning tree behind when I pulled her out so this is a very big deal for her. She likes to have friends and hopefully she will forge friendships that will last for years.

I was not the first parent to leave but not the last, I managed not to cry.

Matt has the responsibility from here on out of getting Carina on the bus in the morning and meeting her in the afternoon. Today it was hard to sit at my desk and work and wait for a report about the successful day. But my wonderful husband provided me with video of the event.

Carina is so excited to be in school. Not an ounce of fear or trepidation as she marched down the halls so proudly to her classroom. Mr. Reynolds said she has strong math skills which must be completely innate because I have been so focused on reading and writing I have neglected math. Mr. Reynolds promises to be pushing the math and science this year with an opening lesson today about bees. He is a bee keeper and tree farmer who lives in Rainer and commutes an hour each way to teach Carina and her classmates. Carina is so looking forward to this year and I couldn’t be more proud of her.

Thanks BOB!

Well awhile back I set out to get Carina on the reading rainbow and chose the Bob books as our navigator. Her reward once she finished the first series of books was to get a pedicure. And she finally got through it, I even made flash cards to make sure that she hadn't just memorized the stories.

It was trying process because I wanted it to be easy for her but she persevered so so did I.

I took her for her pedicure and we really had a good time. She is such a delightful little spa buddy. She got to sit in the special kids pedicure chairs and the nail tech bedazzled her toes with a beautiful design.

We have moved onto the next series of books, she hasn't decide what her reward this time will be. But one thing is for sure since she has the fundamentals down these books are proving to be far less difficult.

I love watching her grow and learn. Last week I watched her, along with her favorite cousins and her aunt and uncle, graduate from preschool and she is so excited to be moving on to kindergarten in the fall. I am not getting on board as quickly but everyday I am working on it.

This anniversary

I keep waiting for stories on OPB about the rising level of depression and suicide not to rock me to my core. I keep waiting to hear stories of people taking their own life in downtown Portland, as one women did so tragically about two weeks ago when she threw herself off a parking garage, not to reduce me to tears. Or Carina's teachers out of the blue comment that Carina sometimes brings up her dad during circle time not to leave me searching for my words because they seem to get stuck somewhere in my chest. It isn't that I didn't have compassion before, I once witnessed a women fall to her death after she threw herself off a bridge over the max tracks. I will never forget that day, I will never forget what that women looked like as she fell. She wasn't fighting it, she had accepted her end and welcomed it. But I was driving at the time and nearly drove my car off the road due to the horror of the situation. Travis was in the car with me and we talked about it, it was clear that he was not as effected by it as I was. I knew the suffering ended for her that day as it did for Travis on December 4th. But the pain that will live on in all of us as we try to deal with his death will live on in me for the rest of my life. I grieve for all the families of people who lose loved ones in this way. Not a day goes by that I do not think of this terrible loss. I grieve in some of the most amazing moments in my life. Forever I fear Carina's milestones will be bittersweet. I am so proud to be her mom and to be a part of her success in life but there will always be this part inside me that thinks "if your dad could just see you know". I want to share that knowing glance with him of sheer pride in our daughter.

In the seven stages of grief I am in anger. Angry he did this to our daughter. Angry he did this to his mom who already lost one child. Angry that she didn't see it even though he was under her roof. Angry I didn't see it when I knew him better then anyone else knew him. Angry I didn't demand he keep the release with his therapists open so I could check on him. Why weren't any of us talking to each other. I swear I could have put this together if I would have talked to his brother Olin that Friday before. He was making plans he had no intention of keeping. Angry at Olin for not being alarmed that Travis was admiring his gun. And I am angry with Travis, I know how he rationalized this in head so it isn't that. I am angry that he left without his affairs in order, with a proper goodbye to his daughter, just something she could hold and know how much he loved her.

They say time heals all wounds and this too shall pass and it will get easier. But of all the loss I have felt I have never felt anything like this. He was my life for 14 years and my daughters father and I will grieve him for the rest of my life.

Updates:

Carina is going to be a big sister! I am currently 12 weeks pregnant and actually feel pretty good. I have had very little morning sickness and have been eating like I am pregnant with a growing fetus rather then a high schooler, like I did last time. I had some complications that my midwife assures me really weren't' anything to write home about but when they are happening to you it is scary. But we had an ultrasound today and baby looks good and the subdermal hematoma seems to have nearly resolved.

I have not posted about this pregnancy or my the man in my life previously because as you can imagine there are those who would not be thrilled about the thought of our lives moving forward after Travis. And honestly the welfare of Carina is all anyone should be concerned about and she is doing well.

A recent trip to Newport.

She is super excited about Kindergarten in the fall and is excited to tell anyone about Sophie the pet rat who is in the daycare center where she will be for before and after school care.

She is super excited about being a big sister, she says she will help with diaper changes by bringing the diapers but wont touch the dirty ones. She wants to feed the baby and shows me how she would carry it around and bounce it genitally. She wants to share her room with the baby. Given her room is size of a postage stamp I doubt that will happen. My favorite part is when she randomly comes up and gives my belly kisses.

She loves Matt, the father of her baby brother or sister. I love that she is still so unafraid to love. It was honestly very revealing to me as to why a mommy having revolving boyfriends is not a good thing for children. But I was very lucky to find a keeper and I knew that before I introduced her to him. Matt loves Carina. He is patient with her and spoils her when he can. He is Internet savvy which means within moments she can have any movie she wants. He came with a flat screen TV that makes watching those movies so very nice. He is a wealth of knowledge for her ever inquiring mind. No little girl should ever lose their father and Matt will never truly fill that void, she knows who her dad is and will always long for him but I am grateful that she has someone to play swords with in the aisle of Target,

someone who will carry her out of the car after she passes out after a long day, and someone to be silly with in a way that mommies just never seem to be able to pull off convincingly

.

Carina is excited about being a flower girl when Matt and I get married on July 16. She chose her dress and she looks like a little princess. She will be beautiful. I really hope Multnomah Falls allows her to spread flower petals because she is not going to be a happy flower girl if she can't. I think I'll make them explain to her why if they don't allow it.

She started gymnastics. I wish I could have gotten a decent picture of her but they make parents wait in the observation room with windows that have seen far to many little fingers to make picture taking possible. But she took to the gymnastics well. She is very athletic so I think it will go well ultimately. Right now she very much wants to be a cheerleader in high school so this will allow her that opportunity if she chooses.

That's her in the pink leotard.

And yes I am aware that I have added two additional items on the life's biggest stressors list to my life. But it is amazing what you can come through with love and support.

Going Private

Well I have decided to go private with my blog as I have noticed it's public status is currently stifling my writing process. So I am giving my readers a heads up. Email me if you wish to be continue reading. tlhowlett@gmail.com

What we have been up to....

Okay so I don't mean to toot my own horn but when the child development experts say read to your child everyday I actually listen. I really really really think reading is important. Duh, right? Carina has know her letters for years and for at least a year has know what sound each letter says. BUT she just hasn't had a lot of luck putting the sounds together and actually reading. This is exceptionally difficult for me. Why? It is like grating to my soul to watch Carina struggle with reading. I suppose in part at least it is my own childhood issues with reading that contribute to my angst. When I was in the 2nd or 3rd grade I spent sometime in the Resource Room in school getting some additional help with reading skills. I really want her to read. We are trying and have had the BOB books for sometime now. I was thinking that there was a motivational issue here, after all nearly everything Carina has attempted to master has come very easily for her. She spoke at an early age and before that was signing. She walked at 9 months. Even skiing, which she has all but given up at this point, came pretty easy for her. Uh the skiing, I'll save that anguish for another post. So back to reading and motivation...there is a salon at the mall that has child sized pedicure stations. Complete with cute chairs; a bear and a princess and each chair has a DVD player. So I convinced Carina that once we get through the BOB books, there are 12 in a packet, that we could go get a pedicure. We went for a visit to help reinforce just how cool it will be and Matt conveyed our strategy to the technician there who, like many nail techs speaks Vietnamese considerably better then English but she jumped right on board with the story that Carina would in fact have to be able to read before she could get a pedicure.

Good Bye 4, Hello 5

What a whirlwind of a year this little bug has had. We started this year with a trip to Disney World and ended with the tragic loss of her father. Everyday I am awed by the amazing child who I have to honor of calling my daughter. Carina is smart, beautiful, funny, compassionate, a great snugger and is one of the most resilient children I have ever met. To know Carina is to love Carina.

Happy Birthday baby!