Holiday Performance

Today is the first in a lifetime of missed opportunities. This would be Travis weekend and after Carina's performance he likely would have taken her for the weekend. Carina really wanted her dad there tonight. I really wanted Travis there tonight. Those of you who are reading this blog and love the muse of it, Cherise her, undeniably. But the love a parent has for their child can only be shared between the parents. I no longer have a co-parent to whisper to or give a knowing glace to during these moments of shear parental pride.

I invited Olin, Travis brother, to come along. He has agreed to try to step in a fill in the huge gap that has been left by Travis passing. I am so thankful for his presents tonight. Facing the performance by myself is more then I could have barred today.

I checked the battery before this started but didn't think about all the space that was taken up on the memory card... Carina's random photos of the dog, me texting, her eye, my yoga mat, the cabinets, the carpet..............

Goodbye

I have to say goodbye for the last time to the man who loved me to the best of his abilities for nearly 14 years. I have to say goodbye the man who gave me our buggy. I would have made our last goodbye last longer if I would have known. I would have told you that despite the eventual end to our relationship as husband and wife that I loved you. I loved the part of you who loved our daughter ferociously. I loved the part of you who could outfit a friend for whatever outdoor endeavor you could convince them to go on at a moments notice. I loved the part of you who always made sure my backpack was packed, even if I thought I was taking WAY to much stuff. I loved the part of you who after 14 years could still come up with little sayings that I had never heard before that would always make me giggle. You'd always be like "what" and always say "I just don't know where you come up with these things". I loved the public persona that you were able to put on. I loved that you could find common ground with a stranger and strike up a conversation. I loved your trusting nature that once caused you to give a stranger $20.00 because he swore he just needed to borrow it. I loved that part of you who used to be able to make the best of a situation. Like camping out in the cab of a truck because when we arrived at our campsite it was pouring down rain. I loved that you helped me experience life. I would never have skied without you, I would never have snorkeled the San Juan's or the Caribbean without you. I would have never kayaked without you. I would never have boogie boarded if it wasn't for you.

I am choosing today to focus on the good times we shared as a family. It is these moments that I will hold in my heart forever and relish in retelling Carina.

Thank you for being in Carina and I's life if only for so short a time.