I keep waiting for stories on OPB about the rising level of depression and suicide not to rock me to my core. I keep waiting to hear stories of people taking their own life in downtown Portland, as one women did so tragically about two weeks ago when she threw herself off a parking garage, not to reduce me to tears. Or Carina's teachers out of the blue comment that Carina sometimes brings up her dad during circle time not to leave me searching for my words because they seem to get stuck somewhere in my chest. It isn't that I didn't have compassion before, I once witnessed a women fall to her death after she threw herself off a bridge over the max tracks. I will never forget that day, I will never forget what that women looked like as she fell. She wasn't fighting it, she had accepted her end and welcomed it. But I was driving at the time and nearly drove my car off the road due to the horror of the situation. Travis was in the car with me and we talked about it, it was clear that he was not as effected by it as I was. I knew the suffering ended for her that day as it did for Travis on December 4th. But the pain that will live on in all of us as we try to deal with his death will live on in me for the rest of my life. I grieve for all the families of people who lose loved ones in this way. Not a day goes by that I do not think of this terrible loss. I grieve in some of the most amazing moments in my life. Forever I fear Carina's milestones will be bittersweet. I am so proud to be her mom and to be a part of her success in life but there will always be this part inside me that thinks "if your dad could just see you know". I want to share that knowing glance with him of sheer pride in our daughter.
In the seven stages of grief I am in anger. Angry he did this to our daughter. Angry he did this to his mom who already lost one child. Angry that she didn't see it even though he was under her roof. Angry I didn't see it when I knew him better then anyone else knew him. Angry I didn't demand he keep the release with his therapists open so I could check on him. Why weren't any of us talking to each other. I swear I could have put this together if I would have talked to his brother Olin that Friday before. He was making plans he had no intention of keeping. Angry at Olin for not being alarmed that Travis was admiring his gun. And I am angry with Travis, I know how he rationalized this in head so it isn't that. I am angry that he left without his affairs in order, with a proper goodbye to his daughter, just something she could hold and know how much he loved her.
They say time heals all wounds and this too shall pass and it will get easier. But of all the loss I have felt I have never felt anything like this. He was my life for 14 years and my daughters father and I will grieve him for the rest of my life.
4 comments:
Your family and close friends know what you are going thru as we all feel the your pain. We will always be here to wrap our arms around Carina and you trying to remember the good times. You are a great Mother and will help guide Carina thru the questions that she will need to know when the time comes. For now just wrap her in love and tell her that she is loved by all her family and close friends. Love Always Forever & Ever
Today we were discussing speed limits and Kitzhauber. I searched for my phone to call him and get confirmation that info he told Jeff was true. The sharp grip of grief hit me. BUT then there are days when I see Carina smile and I hear how she has no fear of the zipline and I can celebrate Travis. I don't think Travis could have been loved any better than you loved him. And there isn't a more capable mother to see Carina through this.
I just checked your blog-- now that you are private it doesn't show up on my google reader.
I am so sorry-- I know we talked that day, but really-- my heart is heavy right along with you. Funny thing about greif and the stages of greif is you look at them written out on paper and it seems very logical. Sometimes there will be a note saying its normal to move between the stages... the notes don't say its possible to jump from stage to stage depending on what time of day it is. The fact its written "stage" makes you think you will get through it and leave it behind and go onto the next one to leave that one behind too. I have yet to see that happen.
But you are not alone, even though it might feel that way. We are right here with you. We dont' understand exactly what you are going through, but we do know we love you and would do anything to give you some releif. Mayb that will help?
I love you so much and I am so so sorry that you and Carina must carry this with you.
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