I know you aren’t suppose to speak ill of the dead and it feels like if I go on to much about how much I love my husband that I am somehow sullying his memory to those in my life who knew and loved Travis. The truth is I shy away from expressing to you how each and everyday I am grateful that Matt found his way into my life. I know how everyone loved Travis and so the depth of the pain that he inflicted on me is my cross to bare. And if you think you have an idea of what it was like to be married to Travis trust me you don’t. Or at least I hope you don’t. I hope that I hid my pain well enough from those in my life. I hope that no one else has to experience the anguish and loss of self that I experienced. For those of you who think you know because I let you in, you really don’t know either. And this isn’t some big attempt to illicit sympathy because I didn’t want it then and I don’t need it now. I kept you at a safe distance from my pain because I was not yet prepared to act. It was also easier to just carry on if I wasn’t open and honest with people. But I also want you to understand that I loved Travis, I loved him as he loved me to the best of my ability for 13 years. And the day I got a text message stating that Travis had killed himself shook me to my core. I cried out to my father who couldn’t do anything as he was on the other end of the phone. I grieved that day for a loss that felt as though someone had ripped a whole in me. Even as I write this my chest aches. I can only imagine what that was like for my father who loves me but who was also experiencing a loss of his own.

I feel like my love for Mathew is overshadowed by the grief you still feel for Travis. I don’t want you to think of the pain he inflicted on me when you think of Travis. I simply want you to also remember the love you have in your heart for me. I want you to fully embrace the love I have now in my life. Mathew came into my life when I had a huge emotional gash. He could have run away from the serious baggage, a recent divorce to a suicidal ex-husband, a daughter and my emotional turmoil, no one would have blamed him and his friends encouraged him to do just that.

But he and I both knew from the very beginning of our relationship that our individual journeys in life were designed to bring us together. I wake up every morning so grateful that he is my husband and I know that he has that same sense of awe. Our love for each other is easy, we anticipate each other’s needs seamlessly. Mathew is the only one who has seen all my scars and, although I can’t say that I am without any effects, he has healed me. And as sad as it is that you haven’t fully embraced Mathew sadder still is that you are losing out on a relationship with his son, my son, who is no less apart of me then Carina.

Sibling Love

I have always wanted two children. I got my beautiful daughter which, though I would have denied it at the time, was exactly what I wanted. And now I have my handsome son. I knew a big sister would take on a little mommy role and love her baby brother. What I didn't count on was the sweetness of their exchanges. Logan freely gives smiles and coos to his big sister. No matter where she is in the room, no matter how much he has to strain his neck he loves to watch just her. I would have thought 6 years was a bit too much of a spread but life does not always hand you what you think you need or think best.

I am excited to see them grow up together, Carina always leading the way but always looking back to make sure Logan is following.

Stationery card

Wrapped in Blue Birth Announcement

Shutterfly has cute birth announcements and cards for Easter.

View the entire collection of cards.

The bear family

I am sugarbear

Matt is Mattybear

Logan is Loganberry

Carina is little sugar bear.

With the arrival of Logan expected any day I keep thinking this blog is in need of a new name, I have not yet settled on one yet but I am sensing a bear tie in somewhere.

I have wanted two children since I realized I wanted children at all. Since I am baby number 3 you think I would want one more. And I suppose there is still that possibility, Mattybear wants 3, so as my very wise friend pointed out, he will likely win. It's not that I wouldn't want a 3rd but being 9 months pregnant is NOT the time to be making those decisions. I also knew I wanted a girl first and was so very happy to get the news at Carina's ultrasound that she was a girl. I was equally excited to find out Matt and I were having a boy. Because I got my one of each if we are in fact done. Also I long for the relationship between a mother and a son because "there isn't a boy in the world who wouldn't tear the world apart to save his mummy". I love my mom but I don't think you really appreciate your mom until you are a bit older. Carina has always been a daddy's girl and Matt is no exception. I am not saying she doesn't have a part of her heart that is carved out for her "original daddy" because she certainly does and will always. But I know she loves him for coming into her life and bringing happiness, warmth and another set of arms to run to in times of comfort.

I actually wonder how she is going to do with sharing me and her Mattydaddy. But she is really excited about becoming a big sister. She wants to hold him and help take care of him, not change diapers though.

Logan is coming into this family already well loved and with much anticipation. I look forward to watching the transformation that happens upon a man being handed his child for the first time when Matt is presented with his child. He has been a "step dad" to a friend's children who's daddy was off fighting a war and to children of his ex girlfriends who's daddies were less then stealer and he certainly has filled the daddy role in Carina's life. But there can be no comparison to being handed your own child fresh from the womb.

And because no blog entry would be complete without a picture:

My little Kindergartener

The last five years and 8 months have been leading up to this event. As a parent you worry did I read enough to her, does she know her abc's and 123’s well enough, should I have tried harder to teach her to tie her shoes. Really all your kid needs to enter Kindergarten is how to line up and listen to their teachers. But the ability to recognize their name certainly helps as does experience being away from you. As I looked across at all the kindergartners they, for the most part, looked like a confident bunch….the parents were the ones who approached this day with trepidation. Of course we were all the leg huggers who brought their children to school rather then just sending them on the bus today so I guess we are already doomed. But the kids were eager to be there, eager to make new friends and eager to learn.

I finished up clothes shoping for her a month ago, hoping she wasn’t going to have some serious growth spurt that would make all the clothes to small for her when it came to wearing them. I have had her school supplies piled up waiting to go to school since that time too. I really wanted her to get out of Learning Tree after she began getting terrorized by a little boy and his bratty older sister. I know she will flourish in school, she is a sponge for new information and loves learning.

So today there were Cheerios for my little cheerio. (Glee connection intended)

A backpack full of school supplies and a lunch.

This is the first of many first day’s of school photos.

Here we are walking into school together, this is were I first started to thought I might cry.

We all met in the cafeteria and awaited the principle and teacher greetings and directives.

We took her to her classroom, notice the teacher’s pet right in the front row, eager to please Mr. Reynolds.

She picked out her locker and Matt and I helped the other children who didn’t have their parents there. We also tried to introduce her to her classmates so she could begin the process of building her school friends. We had to leave all her friend’s from learning tree behind when I pulled her out so this is a very big deal for her. She likes to have friends and hopefully she will forge friendships that will last for years.

I was not the first parent to leave but not the last, I managed not to cry.

Matt has the responsibility from here on out of getting Carina on the bus in the morning and meeting her in the afternoon. Today it was hard to sit at my desk and work and wait for a report about the successful day. But my wonderful husband provided me with video of the event.

Carina is so excited to be in school. Not an ounce of fear or trepidation as she marched down the halls so proudly to her classroom. Mr. Reynolds said she has strong math skills which must be completely innate because I have been so focused on reading and writing I have neglected math. Mr. Reynolds promises to be pushing the math and science this year with an opening lesson today about bees. He is a bee keeper and tree farmer who lives in Rainer and commutes an hour each way to teach Carina and her classmates. Carina is so looking forward to this year and I couldn’t be more proud of her.

Thanks BOB!

Well awhile back I set out to get Carina on the reading rainbow and chose the Bob books as our navigator. Her reward once she finished the first series of books was to get a pedicure. And she finally got through it, I even made flash cards to make sure that she hadn't just memorized the stories.

It was trying process because I wanted it to be easy for her but she persevered so so did I.

I took her for her pedicure and we really had a good time. She is such a delightful little spa buddy. She got to sit in the special kids pedicure chairs and the nail tech bedazzled her toes with a beautiful design.

We have moved onto the next series of books, she hasn't decide what her reward this time will be. But one thing is for sure since she has the fundamentals down these books are proving to be far less difficult.

I love watching her grow and learn. Last week I watched her, along with her favorite cousins and her aunt and uncle, graduate from preschool and she is so excited to be moving on to kindergarten in the fall. I am not getting on board as quickly but everyday I am working on it.

This anniversary

I keep waiting for stories on OPB about the rising level of depression and suicide not to rock me to my core. I keep waiting to hear stories of people taking their own life in downtown Portland, as one women did so tragically about two weeks ago when she threw herself off a parking garage, not to reduce me to tears. Or Carina's teachers out of the blue comment that Carina sometimes brings up her dad during circle time not to leave me searching for my words because they seem to get stuck somewhere in my chest. It isn't that I didn't have compassion before, I once witnessed a women fall to her death after she threw herself off a bridge over the max tracks. I will never forget that day, I will never forget what that women looked like as she fell. She wasn't fighting it, she had accepted her end and welcomed it. But I was driving at the time and nearly drove my car off the road due to the horror of the situation. Travis was in the car with me and we talked about it, it was clear that he was not as effected by it as I was. I knew the suffering ended for her that day as it did for Travis on December 4th. But the pain that will live on in all of us as we try to deal with his death will live on in me for the rest of my life. I grieve for all the families of people who lose loved ones in this way. Not a day goes by that I do not think of this terrible loss. I grieve in some of the most amazing moments in my life. Forever I fear Carina's milestones will be bittersweet. I am so proud to be her mom and to be a part of her success in life but there will always be this part inside me that thinks "if your dad could just see you know". I want to share that knowing glance with him of sheer pride in our daughter.

In the seven stages of grief I am in anger. Angry he did this to our daughter. Angry he did this to his mom who already lost one child. Angry that she didn't see it even though he was under her roof. Angry I didn't see it when I knew him better then anyone else knew him. Angry I didn't demand he keep the release with his therapists open so I could check on him. Why weren't any of us talking to each other. I swear I could have put this together if I would have talked to his brother Olin that Friday before. He was making plans he had no intention of keeping. Angry at Olin for not being alarmed that Travis was admiring his gun. And I am angry with Travis, I know how he rationalized this in head so it isn't that. I am angry that he left without his affairs in order, with a proper goodbye to his daughter, just something she could hold and know how much he loved her.

They say time heals all wounds and this too shall pass and it will get easier. But of all the loss I have felt I have never felt anything like this. He was my life for 14 years and my daughters father and I will grieve him for the rest of my life.